Cell Phone Etiquette: A Guide for Everyone But You

Society currently suffers from an onslaught of diatribes about cell phone etiquette. These oratories are soapboxed by sanctimonious individuals who believe that they have never, in their lives, annoyed or angered anyone with their own cell-related idiosyncracies and peccadillos. We shall refer to such persons as cell-imonious. These pious people admonish the cell-phone behavior they witness in a variety of settings. Restaurants, subway cars, elevators, cars, sidewalks, coffee houses and offices are the most popular environments, but complaints about use in classrooms and at concerts are gaining steam. Some of these complaints are, of course, justified. One should not to shout to one's daughter into a Nokia that she should have given her husband more sex because then he wouldn't have left her and you would have a grandbaby by now. It is unseemly, because the rest of us would like to hear the other side of that conversation.

The larger problem, however, is that cellimonious people are guilty of virtually every breach of cell phone etiquette about which they complain. With little insight into their hypocrisy, they believe that they, Cingularly, properly use cell phones around others. Their T-mobility in thinking makes them Sprint to judgment. To my knowledge, no one has thus far described the characteristics of those who complain about cell phone users. The purpose of this essay is to provide ways to identify the cellimonious so that we may, quite by accident and ohmigosh I'm so sorry, spill our coffee onto their Motorola Razr Phones.

THE CELLIMONIOUS POLEMIC

The most marked feature of the Cellimonious Polemic is a decided lack of originality. Many of the cellimonious believe that they are uniquely annoyed by breaches of cell phone etiquette and feel the need not only to vent, but to impress others with their caustic cynicism. Generally, the complaints follow a simple "I Know An Old Woman Who Swallowed A Fly" rubric:

1) People talk on their cellphones in inappropriate settings.

2) People talk about inappropriate topics on their cellphones in inappropriate settings.

3) People talk too loudly about inappropriate topics on their cellphones in inappropriate settings.

4) People talk too long and too loudly about inappropriate topics on their cellphones in inappropriate settings.

5) People ignore me and I feel I lack personhood when they are talking too long and too loudly about inappropriate topics on their cellphones in inappropriate settings.

6) I hope they die.

It is unclear why this repetition of premises is necessary in the cellimonious argument. It is ironic, however, that it allows the cellimonious person to talk too long and too loudly about people talking too long and too loudly. I witnessed this occurence the other day while enjoying a coffee at a Starbucks, and I did a spit-take in their general direction at the irony of it all. Then I called my friend to complain about them complaining about people like me. It was very "meta." I felt like the third iteration of the guy on the Cream of Wheat box.

CELL PHONE ETIQUETTE: A GUIDE FOR EVERYONE BUT YOU

Motivated by the truism that the exception proves the rule, this section will explicate the rules of cell phone etiquette and how they can be used to identify the cellimonious, who consider themselves immune to those rules.

1) Do not hold a cell phone conversation that is more than moderate in length when in close proximity to others. "Moderate" is defined on fiat by surrounding cellimonious people depending on their mood, activity, and degree of envy they have that nobody is calling them. These factors will vary from minute to minute. When they receive a call, however, they will turn away from you and converse for as long as they see fit while the waitress attempts to take your drink order.

2) Refrain from speaking loudly into the mouthpiece. No matter how loud others in the vicinity are speaking, your decibel level should mimic that of a golf announcer. The cellimonious insist that they never exceed this criterion, even though you observed them shouting into their cell not five minutes ago that they were heading to happy hour to drink off an argument they had with that asshole in Accounting.

3) Do not discuss any personal matters on a cell phone while in public. This encompasses everything. Cellimonious individuals, however, believe that any topic they choose to discuss is important enough to warrant a public conversation, including which block they are currently walking down and do you know how long they had to stand in line at the fucking DMV?

4) Holding a cell phone conversation for any reason in an elevator is unacceptable. The cellimonious feel disparaged and annoyed that you would dare not pay attention to them, even though if you were not on your phone, they would not pay attention to you either. However, just yesterday, they called their co-worker on their way up to the 25th floor to ask them to distract the boss while they walked in half an hour late.

5) You must always remember, when in a movie theater or other venue in which others might be distracted by noise, to turn off your cell phone ringer. The cellimonious are not subject to this rule, as their best friend is trying to get tickets to U2 and they need to know the second he gets them. If you forget to turn off your ringer, you are irresponsible and rude. If they forget to turn off their ringer, they just forgot, they're human beings, what's the big deal, man?

AM I CELLIMONIOUS?

I believe that most people, at some time in their cell phone-using careers, have committed one or more of the above-listed transgressions. At the same time, however, they do not seem to recognize these faults in themselves. Thus, as a service to the readers of The Harmonica Chronicle, I have done extensive research to determine which readers would benefit from recognizing the signs of cellimoniousness in themselves. To find out if you are cellimonious, read this FAQ:

Q: Am I cellimonious?
A: Yes.

Q: How do you know this? You've never met me.
A: Your mother told me.

CASE EXAMPLES

This discussion so far has highlighted the speech patterns and etiquette breaches of the cellimonious. Now we turn to several specific real-life case examples to further illustrate these patterns.

1. A 28-year-old female in a blue Saturn was speaking on her cell phone as she drove, as it seemed like a good time to discuss the various and sundry events of the day with her husband and to tell him that she needed to go to the mall later for the end-of-season sales. Ten minutes later, a car in the oncoming lane stopped short and caused a fender-bender. The Saturn driver noticed that the other driver was on a cell phone and disgustedly snorted, "Of course he was on a cell phone when he caused that accident. Idiot."

2. A 35-year-old male was standing in a long line at the video store. The woman in front of him suddenly gasped, "Oh, crap!" and dialed on her cell phone. She had a very brief conversation with the person on the other end regarding whether she was supposed to get DVDs of the second or third season of "The Sopranos." Satisfied that she picked the correct season, she hung up her phone. Later, he sneeringly remarked to his friend that the woman should have gone outside to ask that question and that she was being unbelievably rude to talk on a cell phone in line. Although the friend pointed out that the conversation had to have been less than a minute and it would be stupid to get out of a long line in case she was correct, the man rolled his eyes and disagreed. Later, he called his girlfriend from the grocery store checkout line to ask whether he should have gotten smooth or crunchy peanut butter.

3. This case example illustrates the behavior of a rare type of cellimonious: the "non-users," who smugly report that they will never get a cell phone. They often spout off the Cellimonious Polemic to defend their decision.

The case is of a 36-year-old woman who has never had a cell phone for the above-referenced reasons. She often tells stories about rude cell phone users she has encountered on the bus and in stores. However, whenever she needs to make a phone call in a public setting, she asks if she can use her companion's cell phone. She is unapologetic about the nature of her hypocrisy, and proceeds to have a loud conversation on the cell as she weaves down the sidewalk and into passers-by. She speaks so loudly, in fact, it appears that she doesn't care if the whole world knows that she is trying to score some weed.

CONCLUSION

This essay has detailed the various features of the cellimonious, who believe that they are well above-average in their adherence to cell phone etiquette. The sad fact is that most cell phone users qualify for the descriptor of cellimonious. How can we attempt to curtail this attitude, which causes only tension among strangers, negativity between friends, and peppy "ringer off" reminders during theater previews? It is my hope that this essay is a good first step in bringing awareness to the problem of cell phone hypocrisy. With additional investigation and an honest assessment of our own behaviors, hope is on the Verizon.