Hurricane Prevention Tips from God

Pat Robertson blamed September 11 on feminists and pagans. He also claimed that Hurricane Katrina was God's way of expressing his anger that Ellen DeGeneres was chosen to host the Emmys. If I were Pat Robertson and I had as great of a relationship with the Original Godsta as he claims he does, I would be like, "Yo, God. You gotta minute? Okay, about this whole hurricane thing. Like, cyclones, yeah, they're bad as hell--I mean, as bad as your Holy Wrath--but I'm thinkin' that maybe for this Ellen DeGeneres thing, the beat-down could be more along the lines of, you know, a shortage of blood for transfusions, or like, a new bird flu or something."

Yeah, Ellen's Patented Style of Frisky Quirk gets to me sometimes too, but that Emmy deal was a one-time thing, not worthy of the decimation of the entire Gulf Coast. Well, I'm sure he's attributing it to her homosexuality and not her hosting prowess, but whatever. Anyway, rather than blaming Ellen DeGeneres, I think that Mr. Robertson, a Biblical literalist, could look to that text for some more likely explanations for our recent run on natural disasters.

Exodus 20:24 specifies that God shalt bless thee if thee sacrifices thine sheep and oxen in a burnt offering upon an altar of earth. I think there's a tacit warning that thou shalt not be blessed if thee dost not offerest these gifts. So as a Biblical literalist, why hasn't Pat Robertson considered that God might just be really pissed that nobody has been burning oxen as a sacrifice unto the Lord for, I don't know, it must be centuries now? Day after day of a lack of burnt offerings can get to a guy, especially when he's feeling peckish (he makes sheep burgers--what do you think he does with that stuff?), so it's not surprising that his wrath is going to be unleashed. Of course, the sacrifice probably doesn't have to be oxen if that's not feasible. For smaller issues, like tropical depressions, burnt ferret works well. For preventing larger disasters, it could be something like, I don't know, an assortment of chipmunks or weasels, or maybe even some alpacas.

Crap. Now that I've said this, not only is PETA going to be after me, there's going to be a huge run on earth altars and strike-anywheres.