Are You Rich? A Free Quiz.

You and a friend are sharing your most embarrassing secrets. You:

a) laugh about when you got pantsed during recess
b) recount the time you snored in a meeting
c) reveal that your parents attended a state university

When purchasing a new home, your first consideration is:

a) can I afford the down payment?
b) will it require a lot of maintenance?
c) how will the Acura look in the driveway?

An acquaintance asks you if your jeans are "Seven." You respond:

a) Seven? No, they were $19.99! Did I miss that sale at Target?
b) I'm not telling you my pants size!
c) No, these are Marc Jacobs; I put my Seven jeans on our Halloween scarecrow last fall.

You own a Land Rover. You:

a) can't afford a Land Rover.
b) can't afford a Land Rover.
c) go 3 mph over speed bumps because you "don't want to damage the chassis."

Last Valentine's Day, you:

a) had a romantic dinner with your significant other
b) watched TV; Valentine's Day is a made-up holiday
c) broke up with your long-term boyfriend because he got you a cheap gift

Your greatest hope is for:

a) world peace
b) to get out of debt
c) an engagement ring from Tiffany

When you exercise, you:
a) go for a jog
b) lift weights
c) pay $150 an hour for a personal trainer to push the buttons on the treadmill for you

You are asked where you live. You respond:
a) down by the river
b) in Rockville
c) North Montgomery County. Okay, well, egg-shoo-ally, we live in Potomac, which is kind of embarrassing, you know, because of all the rich people. But the schools are great, and we only have a big house because we plan to have more children. And we really need that BMW convertible because Tom, you know, has to take out business clients. We're not rich or anything; we're. . .comfortable, and we just have certain lifestyle needs. But I think your neighborhood in South Arlington is absolutely *charming,* just charming, you know, with all the diversity from the ethnics.

When you drink a Miller Lite, you:
a) sigh with a feeling of refreshment
b) peel the label; it's such a weird habit and you don't know why you do it
c) laugh with your friends about "beverage slumming." If your wine class teacher knew you were doing this, she'd have an absolute fit!

You don't close your curtains because:
a) you can't afford curtains; you have plastic blinds from Wal-Mart
b) you feel open and free when you can see the starlight through your window
c) you want your neighbor to see that you have a SubZero fridge and LeCreuset cookware

A few years ago when they were popular, you wore a trucker hat because:
a) you were a trucker
b) you borrowed it from your dad, who is a trucker
c) as a Harvard grad without student loans, you enjoyed the irony

After you visited New Orleans in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, you remarked:
a) "I feel good that I provided food aid to the victims."
b) "Cleaning up the debris was a devastating yet spiritual experience for me."
c) "My daughter's sailing team's boat at Tulane was destroyed. Things are rough all over."

You were chagrined at your last "trailer park party" because:
a) you invited too many people and they wouldn't all fit in your trailer
b) you wouldn't host a "trailer park party;" that's so distasteful and mean
c) you discovered that one of the invitees actually grew up in a trailer park and you were annoyed that you were forced to confront your bigotry

If all of your answers were "a" or "b," you are a normal person. If all or most of your answers are "c," it means you are rich. Sadly, the "c" answers are drawn from real experiences, including the one about the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, inspired by a man who wrote to the Washington Post to complain about the travails of his daughter, who was unable to take part in sailing events and whose expensive private college was shuttered for a time due to the hurricane. His attitude was that the problems of the poor were getting too much attention. And, I mean, aren't they? When there are issues like not having a Whole Foods within walking distance?

Some may take issue with my assertion that some rich people are bigoted towards poor people, particularly trailer park dwellers, because this whole quiz may make me seem bigoted towards rich people. However, I cannot afford to live in a big fancy glass house, so my stone-throwing has not been prohibited by common maxims. Also, the balance of power has the scales tipping in favor of the rich, who are weighing them down with overstuffed Saks bags. Given that monitoring of those in power is a cornerstone of democracy, such protests by rich people towards the criticism of poor people make them seem rather like Marie Antoinette. "Let them eat that icky cake made from cheap Jiffy mix," they sniff unsympathetically and with a hankering for gourmet brownies.

A final query:

You answered "c" to several of the above items. Are you rich?

a) Yes
b) No

If you answered yes, congratulations! You are rich. If you answered no, I'm terribly sorry. You are rich. If there is occasion to deny that you are rich, you are rich.